December 14 – Appreciate … What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

( Well, driving, obviously. )

(You can’t say driving. Jesus. They’re going to be forced to stage an intervention.)

(No they’re not, you nasty editor. We likes our wheel, yes, precious.)

(Oh, seriously? That’s where you’re taking this? To Smeagol and Back Again. I think it may be time to get a new joke.)

(Well, other than getting your big ‘ole SCOLD on, do you have anything better to contribute, Ms. Pucker-pants?)

(There’s nothing more, I don’t know, real that you can appreciate?)

(Hah. Busted. You have no idea. You want me to get all “oh-I-appreciate-the-food-I-have and the-fact-I-can-vote” so that I look properly moralistic. Didja think there were priests reading this blog?)

(Pretty sure not. You use the word ‘douche’ too much.)

(I appreciate the word douche. From shower to insult by way of lysol. It just feels right. )

(If I had eyes, I’d roll them.)

(You’re so cute when you’re smug.)

(Focus. Appreciate something.)

(Driving.)

(Something else. Something INTERESTING.)

(Douche.)

(Next.)

(Uh… the way the morning sun strokes my children’s cheeks and brings my attention to their excitement and joy as I walk them to school.)

(Well, now we’re …. Oh, screw off, you’re being sarcastic, aren’t you?)

(Snork.)

(How grown-up.)

(Well. I appreciate these little chats.)

(You do?)

(Sure. You really make me think, push me to the next level. No resting on my laurels when you’re around. Some might say you’re just a grump, but really, you’re more like a muse.)

(Really? … Well, thank you.)

(HAH. Snap. That was sarcasm again. You’re a STUNNING egotist. Super-egotist. Pthbbb!)

(FINE. If that’s the way you’re going to be, next time you send a query letter I’m deleting an important verb just before you hit send.)

(Awww, c’mon. You don’t mean it. …

…. Hello? )

…. I appreciate that I ever get any work done.