{"id":87614395,"date":"2008-12-02T00:11:33","date_gmt":"2008-12-02T08:11:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.geckotemple.com\/blog\/?p=87614395"},"modified":"2008-12-02T23:49:26","modified_gmt":"2008-12-03T07:49:26","slug":"dont-eat-molten-lava-even-if-it-does-contain-pepperoni","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.geckotemple.com\/blog\/?p=87614395","title":{"rendered":"Don’t eat molten lava (even if it does contain pepperoni)."},"content":{"rendered":"

This post triggered by SuperSecretVault<\/a>, so don’t tell anybody.\u00a0 Not to be confused with SuperSpecialQuestions<\/a>.\u00a0 Oh wait, is there a SuperSecretAnswers.com?\u00a0 Maybe I should grab THAT.<\/em><\/p>\n

When I was a young buck, having just migrated across Canada in a two-toned yellow Datsun 210, I got a delivery\/driving job in a pizza place (Smitty’s Pizza of Kingston, proudly delivering sans-muffler and plus-BC-plates).\u00a0 Every day, around 6:30 or so, we’d make a pizza for dinner for ourselves.\u00a0 Every teenage boy’s dream:\u00a0 Paid to drive around army bases like a pizza-scented idiot.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

When I’d been working there for about a week, I decided I wanted to try taking pizza out of the scorching-hot ovens, and suggested I do it with “our” pizza instead of a customer’s dinner.\u00a0 I managed to slide the big platter-on-a-stick under the molten cheese, and release it smoothly and gracefully to the counter-top.\u00a0 I watched the cheese continue to boil and heard my tummy gurgle with glee.<\/p>\n

Since it was a large, I could slice it in eight, so I didn’t need the six-pronged guide thing, and grabbed the wheel-slicer and blasted it into classic New York triangles.\u00a0 The cheese ran into the cuts like butter.<\/p>\n

Just before my stoner co-worker could raise his hand in front of my mouth, and as<\/em> he was saying “Oh geez, dude, you don’t wanna put tha-” I took a bite of the pizza that had been in the industrial ovens a mere 20 seconds earlier.<\/p>\n

The lights got brighter, the music slowed down, the windows bent out like soap bubbles, and both my hard and soft palettes (and, I’m pretty-sure, part of my mucus membrane) fused with the pizza.\u00a0 I could smell metal, and taste GSR<\/a>, even though CSI Miami<\/em> hadn’t been invented yet.\u00a0 The cook ran to the sink and soaked a paper towel in cold water, and folded it up a few times and then handed it to me, trying not to meet my watery gaze.<\/p>\n

Thirty minutes later, the roof of my mouth was still bleeding.<\/p>\n

Imagine what would happen if you tried to eat a steel pot scrubber.\u00a0 Fresh out of the toaster.\u00a0 With wasabi on it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This post triggered by SuperSecretVault, so don’t tell anybody.\u00a0 Not to be confused with SuperSpecialQuestions.\u00a0 Oh wait, is there a SuperSecretAnswers.com?\u00a0 Maybe I should grab THAT. When I was a young buck, having just migrated across Canada in a two-toned yellow Datsun 210, I got a delivery\/driving job in a pizza place (Smitty’s Pizza of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[29,3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-87614395","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-brainfarts","category-places"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.geckotemple.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/87614395","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.geckotemple.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.geckotemple.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.geckotemple.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.geckotemple.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=87614395"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.geckotemple.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/87614395\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":87614398,"href":"http:\/\/www.geckotemple.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/87614395\/revisions\/87614398"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.geckotemple.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=87614395"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.geckotemple.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=87614395"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.geckotemple.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=87614395"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}