MonkeyPants

Welcome to my Lighter Life.

I am just luxuriating in my newly de-cluttered home. I borrowed a big silver truck from the Co-Op, and am delighted at my newfound freedom and space.

Gone: One unwieldly dresser. Thank God. That thing was just a space taker-upper, and in my bijoux little pied-a-terre, there is no room for that sort of thing. Plus, it was on legs and I could feel the spiders looking at me. They stalk me, you know. So I painted Em’s linen chest white and it looks perfect. It rests on the floor, so spider-lurking is cut to the minimum, too.

Gone:One vomitously patterned floor rug. My mom bought it, but I have no idea why. I think the dog slept on it. Dad, being Dad, sent it down here about a month ago. He didn’t want it anymore. And rightly so. It was ghastly. E and I talked about putting it under the mats at the front door. This would have been a frugal way to cut down on entrance-area dirt. But I became despondent looking at the rug, wadded up with no place to go. I examined my feelings, and, lo! I was sad at the idea of this thing gracing my house. So it went.
E: I thought we were going to put it under the mats?
Me: We were. Now we’re not.
E: Oh. Why?
Me: Because it’s ugly and I hate it.
E: Okay.

It is a wise man who realizes that he can’t argue with his girlfriend’s aesthetic sensibilities.

Gone:One popcorn maker. We feel kind of mean about this. We bought it, anticipating evenings of buttery delight whist watching movies and such. The damned thing only popped half our corn at a go!. Plus the noise was off the scale, and the upstairs guy works funny hours. If I wanted popcorn from the popper, I’d have to try and figure out whether to risk waking Ted up or not. We were disappointed and wanted to give the demonic machine to someone, but we wouldn’t give it to anyone we liked, because it’s a shite popcorn maker. And, of course, we couldn’t give it to someone we don’t like, because a) they would suspect something, like we were trying to electrocute them, and b) how passive aggressive is that? So out with the useless popcorn maker. Maybe I should have saved it and used it as a hair dryer, but I never use one, so, meh.

Gone: One old VCR. It started eating movies about two months ago. It served us well. But the thing started deciding what it wanted to play, and I couldn’t have that. It liked Chris Rock and chewed up Jet Li. No way. So out it went.

Gone: Two bags of books. Okay, they really were deadweights in my collection, the least-loved of them all. It was also a self-improvement move. Notably, I ditched the authors who make me want to throw things at their characters, authors whose syle is so appalling I wonder why they are published, and authors whose style is so sexist and outmoded my lip would curl in hating condescension as I read them. So much less anger, so much less loathing in the room! I’m practically a Buddhist!

Next trick: Shelving for my sewing machine and painting supplies.