The Bra Manufacturers’ Secret Credo

They just don’t want me to have a nice rack. I can only conclude this after 20 minutes of unsatisfactory pawing through The Bay’s lingerie wares. I want a pushup bra. I want it black. I don’t want it to be fussy. And I do not need any goddamned padding, thank you. If I pad, I will look like a galleon under full sail. I am amply enough endowed anyhow.

In fact, that’s the next thing I notice. There are A,B, and C cups aplenty. But whither the D’s and so on? I do a mental checklist of the women I know. I’m kind of average in size, comparison-wise. Sure, some of them are nursing mothers, and some were never really ‘there’ in the chest department. But why are there so few D cups, let alone E,F, or G? Women with larger breasts must buy online or at specialty shops? Why? We shouldn’t be allowed out, as our Mammoth Mammaries cause public health hazards? I just don’t get it.

I’m getting suspicious now. I check out the options in my size. Hmm. There are granny-bras. There are “Wear-it-to-work” bras, the ones with ribbing and support and three-inch-wide straps. There’s Comfort Fit, which means no support. There are minimizers galore. But I want to maximize. I want cleavage to ski down, Goddamn it. I want VaVoom. And the Bra Manufacturers’ Secret Credo won’t let me have that. Why is this? Why will they let me have padding, but won’t let me push my norks up under my own chin and leave them, two creamy hills of gravity-defying flesh? They’ll let me strap them down and cover them up. They’ll let me encase them in armor. They’ll even let me pad them. But they won’t let me push them up!

What would be the consequences of a too-high D-rack? Would I overbalance and break my neck? Would I become a target for WMDs? Would I cause traffic to screech to a gridlocked halt as my breasts and I sailed through the afternoon? I doubt it. So why can’t I find the bra that I want?

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