MonkeyPants

There. I Broke.

This morning, I woke up with a purpose: I needed to clean.

This weekend, I have:

• Spoken listened to far too many bossy people. Some of them are related to me. Some of them are just bossy. Christ, I loathe bossy people, particularly ones who think that they can somehow tell me what I am thinking. Stop invalidating my experience, you twits!
• Discovered that a friend of mine is going back to her lying, cheating, sack-of-shit ex, because ‘she’s so complete around him’. Now he hangs around looking all smug because she took him back, and he is a waste-of-skin wankstain. I don’t even have words for what he is. This’ll take a different post.
• Said goodbye to a student I have had for two years. She has come from monosyllables and staring at the floor to a rich and varied vocabulary, gestures, and a belly laugh. I will miss her terribly. It’s so hard to let them go sometimes, and all I can do is hope that she’s learned enough about who she is that a spark of that stays alive in the crucible that is the Korean education system.
• Missed my father’s phone calls twice. He turns his phone off when he’s not using it (plus he is in a hospital so I think he can’t use it very much).

So I washed the sheets and aired the bed and swept and damp-swept and damp-dusted and sorted out all the food in the fridge and sorted the recycling and went to the Famer’s Market and did all my marking and bought toilet paper and toothpaste (not at the Market, at Safeway), and cleaned out the littler box, like with bleach, and put new litter in and went out to buy a new air filter thingie for the top of the litter box—
And then I sat down and started to cry. Because no matter how clean my house is, I can’t control what’s going on in my world.

I feel very small.