It gives me The Rage sometimes. E has learned not to freak out when I yell, “Oh, yeah? Fortify THIS!” at the TV, while giving it the finger.

If I could, I would make it a law that there would be complete clarity in advertising.  There would be no weasel phrases like “Part of this complete breakfast” (It was complete without the sugary cereal), “Scientifically proven” (Really? To do what?) or “Contains the goodness of ” (The goodness? How do they extract it? What is the good?)

Instead, ads would have to be absolutely explicit about the product. They would be obligated to say that this moisturizer is mostly made of water. That some ‘educational’ toys actually hinder children’s learning. That the real reason the pizza is so cheap is they’re using synthetic cheese.

And ads for things that are considered taboo would have to spell everything out, too. No more blue liquid! Instead, the voice-over would say, “Tampax. Change them every few hours, or you may be at risk for Toxic Shock Syndrome. Don’t hate your vagina.”

The penis pumper pills would have to be really explicit, too. No more guys having bad stuff happen, but smiling because they got to have sex, or dancing and singing down the street.  No more. Guy is going to look at the camera and say, “I got wood. My penis stayed hard the whole time I had sex.  It ruled.” Or similar. Complete disclosure is the order of the day.

My biggest hate-on, however, is McDonalds. I would make it illegal for McDonalds to advertise using the Olympians (Yeah, I bet the world’s top athletes eat a lot of  McDonalds meals) or even being “The Official Restaurant” of anything. Hmm. Maybe I would only let them use people whose chronic obesity had been caused by their food. Yeah. That’s what I’d do.

Oh, and every script for every ad would be reviewed by Oxford-trained grammarians. Any grammar slip would cost the guilty company their annual profits, to be donated to the charity of my choice.

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