MonkeyPants

Snippets of Conversation on Gold Medal Day.

(I pick up the phone)
“Hello, Liz. This Is JayLo. Are you in with Operation Maple Leaf?”
“What can I do for my country today?”

Honestly, I thought I had nothing slated for today. I am not a hockey girl. I’m not a sports girl. But Jay and Jenny picked me up and we went to Jim’s. He has a high definition TV and an ice machine in his fridge. It’s the best place in the world if you are going to watch a sports game.

***

“He’s not answering.”
“Shit! Puck drop’s in ten!”
“Wait, I left the window open last night. Maybe I can get in.”

(I climb in the window and let Jenny and JayLo in to turn on the TV and get cooking)

***
Jim comes down from the shower.
“Oh. Hey, Jim. We got you some coffee.”
“Hi, Jim. Sorry I broke into your house so three beautiful women could watch the game and cook breakfast for you.”
“Um. That’s ok. Really ok.”

***
First and second periods go by. Lots of “GoGoGoGoGo!” and “OH MY GOD!” and “Hit him! HIT HIM!”

***

Third period.

“We can do this. We just have to bring the Zen. Be the puck, guys, be the puck.”
“Fuck! I cannot handle this. Another goal! MORE! MORE!”
“I’d be more comfortable with a two-goal lead.”
“Oh, come ON, Canada! Everybody knows the winners get steak and a blow job!”
“Wait, really? Are you going to…”
“Not ME! Personally, I mean. But it’s not like they’re not going to be spoilt for choice.”

End of third period.

“OHMYGOD! How can they DO this to me! We hate you! We HAAAATE you!”
“JesusJesusJesus. I can’t take it. I’m going to have a coronary!”
“It’s ok, I have pills.”
“OK, guys, let’s be positive. We’ve done this before.”
“I haven’t.”
“Shush. We need to believe. Give them the positive vibes.”

***
Overtime

“God!”
“Oh God!”
“GoGoGoGo”
“No! NOT THAT WAY!”
“Ooooh!”
“RAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“Wait, if the winners get steak and blow jobs, what do the silver medalists get?”
“Hmm. McDonalds drive-thru and a hand job?”
“Yeah. Six McNuggets and a hand job. Sorry, USA.”