Bummer

It’s not just the blog. Everything in my life is slipping. Warning: This is not going to be a happy post.

I need employment. I’m tired of waiting for my friend Cam to get his stuff together so that I can go jockey for him. In the meantime, there’s nothing else that will let me keep teaching the kids. If it weren’t for Fran letting me attack the weeds in her garden, I’d be worse. I hope there will be some morning classes to teach over the summer holidays, and that will alleviate some of this vicious cycle. I’m like a border collie in a one-bedroom apartment.

I don’t have enough money. I could take even more out of my retirement money, but that just means eating more cat food in old age. I’m trying to avoid that.

Nothing is any fun. Photography was briefly fun on Thursday, when Rachel and I took some photos for her book jacket. Other than that, not fun. Writing, not fun. Sewing, not fun. Painting, not fun. Cooking, not fun (no money for anything but the most basic of ingredients.) I sent E out to do a big shop. He came home with tins of soup. If I see another piece of pasta, or baked potato, I may cry.

I’ve started sleeping late. No sense in getting up. All I do is sit on the internet until it’s time to teach. Go teach for 3 hours, Come home. Make a boring dinner. Wait until it’s time to sleep. Repeat. If I have chores to do, I stretch them out as long as possible. Today I made three separate trips to Broadway.

There’s no money to socialize. I am depressed and lonely. If Eric goes to work, I am alone in the house until it’s time to go to work, and then, often, afterwards. Some days the only people I speak to are my students. When he is here, Eric keeps doing silly stuff to try to make me smile, when he notices. A lot of the time he’s shut in his room doing whatever he does in there. I don’t want to smile, but I feel bad that I am such poor company.

I don’t feel like I am a particularly valuable friend. Or girlfriend. Or sister or daughter or niece. This weekend, I’d like to be making food for a friend who is going through some health stuff, and could use a couple of easy meals for her family. But all I have is pasta. And fucking cans of soup.

Congratulations if you made it this far, and apologies. I know others are going through far worse ordeals than underemployment and general malaise. It just sucks to be in the middle of it.

9 Comments to “Bummer”

  1. By Arwen, June 11, 2011 @ 10:41 pm

    Oh, Hunbun. That sense of employment woe & lack of $ was the centrepiece of my own malaise. I’m so sorry. There’s a job, yo’. And if you need to come pull some of my meat hookup outta my freezer, you be my guest.

  2. By Liz, June 11, 2011 @ 10:44 pm

    Els and I are in production to put food on yo’ table. So.

  3. By rachel, June 12, 2011 @ 5:13 am

    GIANT HUGS FOR LIZ!! (in caps like that, it sounds like the Hulk is planning to hug you, but it’s really just me)

  4. By Stephanie, June 12, 2011 @ 5:38 pm

    I went through two years of unemployment and general malaise. There were many days of pasta. Sometimes that was money related, sometimes it was just all I could do. It was the only thing I could look at, the only thing I could eat, the only thing that didn’t make me angry or sad. It required the least amount of effort, anyway.

    I’m still only part time. I still don’t have health benefits. It is a long, hard, shitty road, but it does level out. I’m at the leveled out place. Still waiting for it to kick in the up direction. It will. I think. No, it will.

  5. By Liz, June 12, 2011 @ 6:15 pm

    Thanks, you guys. Stephanie, it is a really shitty place to be.

  6. By gen, June 12, 2011 @ 8:46 pm

    Oh I am sending out a request right now to the world for you to find your dream job, whatever that looks like. I would like to propose a girl’s night. We can have it at your place or maybe Arwen’s or you can all come out here to the ‘burbs or we can hang out in a park.

    And just know – I love you dearly.

  7. By Robin, June 15, 2011 @ 5:57 am

    Chin up! Some of the best things of my life came out of a long, depressing stint of unemployment. This is a good time to do some volunteer work. It will keep you busy and out of your house/head. And allow yourself one little luxury that will help keep you from being squirrel-y! :)

  8. By Liz, June 15, 2011 @ 9:58 am

    Thank you, all. It help just to have written it down and to have your responses.

  9. By clara, June 18, 2011 @ 10:21 pm

    I hate this! I hate seeing you sad!

    HULK CLARA SAY NO! NO SAD!

    I wish I could give you a job but I don’t have any. But I can give you beer and wine. And chips. I have a lot of chips.

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