Doctor Do It.

I will post this too late for Tuesday, owing to my pressing need to watch Heroes. NaBloPoMo gods may smite me.

I went to see my doctor today, to get more birth control pills. It became clear that Dr. D wants me to have a child. She cited many reasons, including my creativity and flexibility and E’s easygoingness, and lots more.

I need to add here that she has been my doctor for about 22 years. My pediatrician handed me over sometime after puberty, and my (generally) twice-yearly consultations with her have been touchstones in my life.

I trust her implicitly. Her advice over the years has been nothing but fabulous. When my mother forced me to go to her for a pregnancy test after I lost my virginity, Dr. D said, “You used a condom and made sure to have sex the week after your period ended, because you knew that was safest. You don’t need this test, because you’re clearly responsible about your sexuality.” Yes, thank you, Person of Authority.

She trusted my judgment when I said, “I’m sad because my mother died. I don’t want to take pills. I think it’s okay to be sad. This is a big thing.”

A few years after my mother died, she was the first non-friend who observed, ‘You’re back’, seeing I’d come out of the tunnel of grief and apathy.

So when she says, “I think it’d be the best fun you’ve ever had”, about children, I waver. A bit. Because I trust her implicitly.

The problem I have is that I do not want children. I don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t want to give birth. I’m scared to be responsible for another person walking around out there. (As an aside, as a god parent, I would step into the responsible pants, and do everything for the best life of the child.) But I have no burning ambition to breed.

Apparently, if there is a god, he or she sucks at allocation. Because although I might be a fabulous parent, I do not want to be a mother.

8 Comments to “Doctor Do It.”

  1. By sarah, November 28, 2007 @ 7:40 am

    Your choice, my dear. Very big choice, and yours to make. Pregnancy and parenthood have made me even more pro-choice than I was before. They are not adventures to be entered into lightly. I couldn’t imagine enduring all of that without wanting to. I think you’d be a fabulous parent, but you don’t have to do something just because you’re able to do it well. I was a fan-fucking-tastic accounting clerk, but it made me want to walk into traffic.

  2. By rachel, November 28, 2007 @ 8:38 am

    There are those who have it thrust upon ‘em and who rise to the occasion. But yeah, if you have a choice, I would say it’s best not to have kids unless you really really want them. Because they will test that, over and over.

    Your talents are already benefiting kids, even if they’re not flesh of your flesh—plus you get to go home at night and leave the messy parts to someone else. Sounds like you’ve got the best of both already.

  3. By Liz, November 28, 2007 @ 11:44 am

    Fantastic comments from two women committed to parenting well. Thank you both.

    Come to think of it, I know some bloody awful parents who really, really wanted children.

    Without flaws in humanity like this, there would be no drama.

  4. By Arwen, November 28, 2007 @ 11:47 am

    What the wise women above me said.

    As long as you know you would be good at it, and therefore not doing it IS a choice, rather than a default because you’re worried about your ability. Your abilities would be wonderful. I also am far more pro-choice since becoming a mom. It’s a lot of work.

  5. By gen, November 28, 2007 @ 3:02 pm

    I do think you would be fantastic and I look forward to sharing that fantasticness to the children all around us. What more is there to say, read the above posts.

    It is kind of odd that your doctor is encouraging you to procreate, fantasticness aside.

  6. By cheesefairy, November 28, 2007 @ 4:43 pm

    Probably your doctor is seeing those qualities in you that make you a great, compassionate teacher and human being. Yes, the kind of people you are also make good parents but not without the fundamental desire to do so. Like Rachel says, you’re sharing all your best “parent” qualities with the kids (and adults) in your life and you don’t have to physically bear or raise a human being to benefit one.

  7. By rachel, November 28, 2007 @ 5:08 pm

    Well, it also sounds like she had filled a little maternal gap in your life—maybe you’ve also bridged a daughter gap in hers. Maybe you remind her of herself at that age, and she really wishes she’d had kids. There could be any number of reasons she wishes you’d reproduce, but they all have more to do with her than with you.

  8. By Liz, November 28, 2007 @ 10:53 pm

    Thank you all for your comments. I don’t know what motivated her to be so pro-kids for me. She has two girls of her own, ages 13 and 16. I’ve seen them grow up, through the pictures on the walls, and what she says about them.

    Rachel, she really did bridge a maternal gap for me. Maybe she is looking at me and seeing her daughters in twenty years?

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