How Kevin Saved Christmas Eve.

When I got to The Fringe on Christmas Eve, there was a big problem. We had an extreme case of drunk Australians. They were fresh off the plane, jet lagged, and belligerent. But the girls were cute, so Tom, our zoo keeper for the evening, was being too lenient.

This situation was a difficult one to bear. We regulars wanted to hoist a glass and toast the absent, remember the year, and laugh, but we kept on being interrupted by a couple of the Aussies, brothers, who insisted on that kind of brawling/wrestling/ yowling at one another that signifies an excess of testosterone and alcohol.

These brothers then turned their attention to Kevin. He looks like a biker, except he’s not. Of course, our Aussie brothers only saw a bald guy with a lot of tattoos, and started calling him a lot of offensive names. They would not be distracted, like terriers after a rat. It was actually rather grotesque.

None of us had any roofies on us, and we were at a loss. We feared for Kevin’s sanity and the Aussies’ safety. But Kevin took the matter into his own hands.

He walked those belligerent brothers behind a building…and smoked them up with some of BC’s finest.

They were utterly incapacitated. Paralytic. Wasted. Nobody grows pot like BC does. I felt a surge of Provincial pride as I watched the Aussies twitch and mumble.

Christmas Eve went on as scheduled, and I even got a reprise in my role of Word’s Worst Cocktail Waitress. It was awesome.

6 Comments to “How Kevin Saved Christmas Eve.”

  1. By John, December 26, 2007 @ 12:38 pm

    Excellent. I think the official story should be that Kevin “Incapacitated a number of drunk and belligerent Australians using non-violent means.”

    I wish there was a way to do that to people on the street who complete their Xmas shopping with their elbows sticking out.

    Darts, maybe?

    I think drive-by-stoning (of the bud variety) could help with a lot of the problems on Robson on a Friday evening, actually.

  2. By Liz, December 26, 2007 @ 1:25 pm

    I was thinking that we could put something into the air systems of the trendier restaurants, but I also seem to recall that a lot of people come in from the burbs to cruise Robson. What if we hot-boxed all the bridges?

    Darts would be a good option.

  3. By Deb, December 26, 2007 @ 11:23 pm

    That was an excellent Christmas story. Merry merry!

  4. By Liz, December 26, 2007 @ 11:42 pm

    Kevin is an excellent lateral thinker. Merrier and merrier!

  5. By sarah, December 27, 2007 @ 6:17 am

    I prefer the drive-by approach to the hotbox scenario. If one could mellow those who need it without hospitalizing innocent passers-by with allergies (like me), that would be just about perfect.

  6. By Liz, December 27, 2007 @ 7:52 pm

    Drive-by it is, then.

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