Friday Confessions.

What, wait. How is it Friday? I was just…Oh. Right. I DID go to belly dancing last night. That makes it Friday today. Where was the rest of the week? I must have been here for it, but it sure went fast.

That brings me to this week’s first confession. I feel like there should be more time. I’m going along, I’m living my life, but shouldn’t there be more time? Time to see friends, time to make phone calls, time to relax and enjoy life. And I don’t even work as much as normal people do!

The other thing is a body thing. You know how there’s a big movement to feel more comfortable with our bodies, more relaxed with the lumps and bumps and whatnot? Well, last night at belly dancing, I just looked in the mirror and I thought, “I’m fat”. F-A-T, fat. Not ‘Hey, good hips,” or “you’d better figure out those arms,” but “God, I am so fat. I’m repulsive.” And I don’t really want to go onto that diet cycle thing wherein I learn that I don’t lose the weight, because I can’t lose the weight. I hate my body from my boobs to my hips, and I don’t even have the willpower to do something about it. Even if I had the willpower for a while, I could not exist in an eternal cycle of splenda and lettuce. I’m resigned to loathing. And I fucking well hate that.

Sorry for the downer. I’m kind of pissed off.

7 Comments to “Friday Confessions.”

  1. By sarah, May 9, 2008 @ 9:46 am

    I confess that I am counting the days until I am done with my job: 84 at the outside.

    I also confess that you are one of the most beautiful women I have ever met.

  2. By cheesefairy, May 9, 2008 @ 9:50 am

    There’s gotta be something between dieting & loathing. I don’t know what. Am totally not helpful. But I’m sorry you feel bad.

    Totally feeling you on the time thing though. Halfway through “full support dual parenting” month and I do not feel any more ready to go it alone.

    Mostly I’m feeling like I might never get anything done. Like – I started addressing an envelope 2 days ago. It took me three days before that to remember to bring the envelope downstairs. Who knows when I will mail it. Am forgiving self b/c of newborn but OTOH, if not now when SA is home, WTF will I do when he’s back at work?

  3. By erin, May 9, 2008 @ 11:04 am

    Have you ever read Shapely Prose? It is my favourite body acceptance website and has really helped me come to terms with me and my body. Best place to start is The Fantasy of Being Thin. Read the comments too – usually fascinating.

  4. By stephanie, May 9, 2008 @ 12:19 pm

    Try kickboxing. 🙂 It’s good. And then you can home and eat a lot and it doesn’t matter.

    Here is my confession: I don’t care about the Sex and the City movie. I didn’t really watch the show.

  5. By Liz, May 9, 2008 @ 12:50 pm

    Cheesefairy, I think you’ll get done, what needs to be done. The definition for ‘need’ may be slippery for a while, though.

    Sarah, thank you, and yay for being done with the job!

    Erin, I read Shapely Prose all the time. It’s got to stick sometime, right?

    Stephanie, I always assume I’m too un-coordinated for things like kickboxing. But that’s my own hang-up. I guess I’m just scared of people laughing at me falling over. 🙂

  6. By rachel, May 9, 2008 @ 2:49 pm

    But that’s the beauty of bellydancing, Liz: you can look like ANYTHING. And that class really lives it, better than any class I’ve ever been in.

    What I see when I look at you dancing is how much fun you’re having, laughing at Kim’s corny jokes, enjoying the beats. You’ve got good balletic arms and pretty hand movements, I was noticing just last night, and you were rocking that ummi (is that what it was called? the tight hip circle) like nobody’s bidness. Those are your strongest, most confident dance parts, IMO, hips and arms, and those are the things to watch in the mirror. They will reframe and anchor the rest.

    It made all the difference in the world to my confidence when I realized that my hideous long torso (a genuine liability in ballet) was my most competent body part in bellydancing (hell, you don’t even USE it in most other kinds of dance!). Realizing that took the pressure off my little stubby legs and spastic chicken arms to hold it all together—now they can relax, because it’s not up to them to be the center of attention anymore.

  7. By Liz, May 10, 2008 @ 3:37 pm

    Thanks, Rachel. That’s really excellent, ‘cause I was trying to copy YOUR arms! I do like the oumi, though. It’s fun.

    I’ll work on looking at the parts I like and see if I can get past the parts I don’t.

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