MonkeyPants

Annoyed.

So I was having some lunch with my dad today, and we got to talking about E’s parents, who are coming sometime this summer, but they don’t really know when because they don’t actually, you know, make decisions. Anyway, he winced in a sympathetic way and said, “Get a real job!” in prissy tones meant to imitate E’s parents.

I laughed. “I know. He makes more now than his dad ever did as a high school librarian! And I think they must be completely baffled by me, not corralling him into a mortgage, a Camry, a wedding ring, and a desk job! I think they think I’m SLOW or something!”

I paused and then I went for it. “I hope you’re not disappointed in us.” The subtext of this, within the confines of my father’s and my relationship, is really more like I desperately want your approval and I’m so scared I’m screwing up on your scale of things and I really love you and want you to be happy with the fact that I have built a happy life for myself.

“No,” my father answered. “Not disappointed in you.” He smiled slightly. “But I do get annoyed that I’m not going to have any grandchildren.”

And then I told him about my godchildren, and their siblings, my friends’ children I love and am so proud of, because it kept me from saying, ‘Thanks for staying the hell out of my reproductive choices!”

But now I have been thinking about our father-daughter subtext, and I wonder what he was really telling me. If he was.