MonkeyPants

Open Letter To Window Smashers.

Dear Desperate, Would-be Thieves,

Listen. I know that you’re crazy to get a fix or maybe to make rent. I know you have problems, or you wouldn’t be smashing in the windows of Co-op cars in search of spare change or whatever. But, listen. I have a few suggestions for you that might make both our lives easier.

First, we have decals on each and every one of our cars stating that there are no valuables left in the vehicles. It’s true! You want a home-burned CD of Scottish Country dance tunes? Go to the car at 2nd and Bayswater. Cheap sunglasses? Seaside Plaza. or Horizon. Sticky sippy cups? 10th and Trafalgar. But honestly, I promise you, there are no actual valuables, just like the decal says. Please. Believe us. Co-op members do not tend to be wealthy.

But wait, perhaps you can’t read. Maybe you are a recent import from another country or maybe you are too high or junk-sick to read our decals. If this is the case, and you are going to smash, smash with care! There’s a way to make this better for both of us.

You never smash back windows, but, listen: You have better access to the glove box if you smash the passenger side. You can rifle through, throw the contents (non-valuable) around in rage, and go on with your busy schedule of looting.

See, if you smash the driver’s side, you have to lean in over all that broken glass to get to the glove box.  It’s really easy to get cut. And then, when a hapless car jockey (IE me) has to bring the car to the glass place, I’ve got to brush the glass off the seat as best I can, worry that you have HIV or Hepatitis and have bled on the glass I’m trying my best not to get cut with. Then, because it’s impossible to get all the glass off the seat armed only with Kleenex, a BCAA card, and a pencil case, I have to use the contents of the car to cushion my butt from the possibly-diseased glass shards. This means I am sitting on trip logs, car manuals, and whatever else, which isn’t comfortable, and isn’t safe. My mind is not on my driving. It is on my butt and whether that little tickle is actually a rogue piece of glass. That’s dangerous!

So, smashers, remember: Passenger window, not driver’s side. For an easier rifle-through for you, for a safer ride for me.

Thanks so much.